Seeking Inspirato with Leah Shirley in Gold Beach, Oregon
The Moment “It” Clicks
“Something just clicked in my head and I just realized, ‘Who cares? I like this. I’m going to wear it. I don’t care what you think. I think I look good. I’m doing this.’”
This is the moment I wish for every woman seeking Clothing Confidence. The ability to feel the joy of dressing yourself in a way you love, and owning it, without fear of what others think.
If Leah and I could bottle up and give her “aha” moment for all of the Clothing Confident-seeking women out there, we would.
Don’t we all wish “it” would just “click” for us? The aha moment is why we watch(ed) Oprah, why we read self-help books, and why we keep reaching for our potential.
But aha moments do not happen without work. If you are waiting for it to happen to you, you could be waiting a lifetime.
For Leah, it took years of work through therapy, visioning practice, and daily mantras to feel the click happen.
“While the aha moment might feel like a few seconds in time, it’s actually a culmination of a labor of self-love, the final finish line of the marathon of working on ourselves.”
Small Town Zipcode, Big City Mentality
“I have always suffered from a lack of self-confidence. I was bullied in school from kindergarten through high school, and so my confidence was never there.”
It’s difficult to believe that others care about you if you’ve been bullied.
Living through bullying means you’ve experienced people emotionally or physically harming you because of some element about yourself—it’s your looks, it’s what you’re wearing, it’s how you speak—it’s your identity itself. That’s why bullying can make you believe you have no worth. A bully attacks anything that makes you you.
Thankfully, most adults grow up and out of bullying behavior, but this doesn’t mean the fear of bullies goes away. Often, the bullied will turn that criticism inward. In the absence of external criticism of your clothes and your looks, you’ll supply the criticism yourself. The bully goes away. The bullied grows up. The effects of bullying, however, linger into adulthood.
Leah felt this, and it wasn’t until she started going to therapy that she had some monumental realizations. The way she saw the world shifted.
“I can express myself through clothing and it doesn’t matter what other people think … I only need to please myself. I don’t need to please other people. I can wear what I want, and if I feel good in it, it doesn’t matter what other people think.”
And as therapists know, most people are far too concerned with their own problems to be able to focus on others. Nearly all of the time, it truly doesn’t matter what other people think because they are not thinking about you.
Therapy was Leah’s starting place for these “ahas.” In therapy, we can give voice to the private thoughts that linger, jeering in the backs of our heads. We get to pull these demons out into the light and evaluate their value with a rational person.
Another tool of therapy—the journal—was critical for Leah’s self-discovery.
“I do a lot of my thinking through journaling. If I’m struggling with something deeply, whether it’s self-confidence issues, depression, anxiety, whatever, I’ll just write it down, and I can see it and my thinking process and change it. I’ll take it to therapy, and we work on ways to … get me back to being a confident person again.”
Journaling is another way of pulling demons. Our wiley thoughts are made material when they are put on the page. In that way, we can see them and overthrow them from our thinking.
The most powerful tool for Leah, though, was visioning.
Visualizing the Powerful Woman
“In my head, I envision myself as a boss lady, as a powerful woman, so in therapy we’ve been talking a lot about bringing the fantasy world to life inside my head. And the one way I’ve been able to do that is through my outside appearance—the hair, the outfit … I'm now able to say I 👏 am 👏 a 👏 powerful 👏 woman👏 ”
Visualization is the single most important exercise any one of us could master. Seeing the future version of yourself, surrounded by the people, things, and feelings you want is powerful. It allows you to see your destination and start walking toward it.
This isn’t woo or hippie. By the numbers, visualization practices actually visualization practices actually work.
Becoming the Clothing Confident version of yourself involves visualizing who that person is, and then walking towards that visualization DAILY.
It’s the “Try it until you thrive it” ideology.
For Leah, a small step in the right direction began with her hair:
“My hair was actually a big influence. Ladies with my hairstyle— or a similar a-line bob style—I always thought they were the most powerful, beautiful women. They had confidence to no end. For a long time, I was like, I’m not that person, I could never pull that off, I’m not that pretty. So in therapy, we were talking about what my image of myself looks like and I came to the conclusion that I can rock this hairstyle. I don’t need to have a strong jawline to rock an a-line. So last Monday, I went and I got this hairstyle because I was like my birthday is coming up and I want 23 to be the year of change. I want to come out of my shell and be the person that is inside of my head. So I went and got my hair chopped off. I looked at myself in the mirror and for the first time in years, I was like ‘that’s a beautiful woman. That’s a powerful woman. I look good.’ I have never really been able to say that to myself.”
This is manifesting your best self. The ability to visualize the person you want to become is a power few people exercise in their lives. It is the game changer. It takes creativity, thought, and work to become the person you want to be.
If you’re not confident in who you are now, what are some terms or words that orient you to who you want to become?
Leah chose 3-5 words that she wanted to become.
Powerful
Boss lady
Creative
Writer
Strong
Who is the person you want to become? Take a moment and think of your five words … start visualizing now.
At a point, personal style takes investment. You have to buy something unfamiliar. You have to commit to a new hairstyle. You have to spend time reflecting on who it is you want to be. You have to bankroll your future to get a return.
Leah’s Investments:
Going to therapy
Journaling regularly
Visualizing a new Leah through Pinterest to find the styles she liked
Turning saved items into purchases on Amazon
Trying out uncharacteristic pieces in public
Developing the woman who she wanted to become in her mind
Committing to a strong haircut (love this)
You have something to begin marching toward … slowly, things begin to come together. The “aha” is near.
Hold yourself accountable. Ask: did I move myself forward today? In my style? In my self-conception? When I look back on the day, did I grow? Did I change?
When people talk about “manifesting” this is what they mean. Journaling is a catalyst to change, too, because it keeps you focused and turns on a feedback loop to figure out what’s working, how you’re feeling, and what you can do to improve. Just the simple act of reminding ourselves what our goal is is enough to keep us rowing in the right direction.
“[I write] on sticky notes and [post] them on my bathroom wall and mirror, and I'm able to see ‘oh, this is what I’ve said to myself, I need to start thinking that way, too.’”
Leah also started saying affirmations like “I’m beautiful” and “I’m strong” in the mirror each morning. The mirror became a daily reflection not just of the beautiful, strong woman that was always there, but also of the beautiful, strong woman she now saw herself to be.
“I’ve seen a huge difference in my mood, the way I perceive myself, the way I think.”
Actually looking at yourself in the mirror, like real-deal eye contact, is intense.
“It’s not going to happen right away, it’s going to take time. You’re going to have days where you’re not even going to want to look in the mirror at all. What helped me was starting at a whisper, ‘I love you’ and then walking away. I kept that up for a long time, like a month, then I was able to gain a little bit more confidence. Then I was able to say it louder and louder, and now I’m able to look in the mirror and say ‘I love you’ [with confidence].”
At first it was a whisper. Now it’s loud.
Nurturing the Powerful Woman
You wouldn’t take off your kevlar to pet a hungry lion, would you? Then don’t ask that person in your life what they think about your outfit. You know that person? The one who always has an opinion about your nail color? Those wild cats will not help you on your journey to Clothing Confidence. You need to guard and nurture your budding self until you can stomach harsh opinions from others. In the growth and trial phase, protect yourself. Wear your kevlar, and avoid all those starving to snack on your self-esteem.
“I used to lean on ‘friends’ for my confidence, and that was just not it, and they were fine, but now that I’m older, I can look back on it, and I’m like, ‘they weren’t in it for the right reasons.” [I’m] able to let that go, and say ‘I’m my own person and everything is going to be ok, and I don’t have to ask for opinions and worry about judgment.’”
Not everyone needs to voice their opinion about your clothing, and nor should you have to be pleasing others.
“I just need my opinion, and that’s all that matters…. It’s taken me until I was 22, it’s been a while”
It’s been a lifetime for her, but there are people in their 60s who haven’t even found who they are yet.