Finding Your Tribe

I was the butt of a joke at a bar in Gold Beach, Oregon.

I had my headphones on, so the group making fun of me didn’t realize I could hear them. They spoke freely. I could see their reflections looking my way, pointing, and laughing at me in the mirror hanging behind the bar. Was I in Mean Girls? Was this really happening?

I didn’t stick up for myself because a single female staying in a rural town doesn’t need enemies.

Zip code, money, time, and pant size are the most common barriers I’ve heard to achieving Clothing Confidence. 

But now I have to add another to the list.

People as a barrier is a new one, and it’s a more challenging barrier to come to terms with. When people impede your Clothing Confidence it means your community isn’t supporting your self-expression. Perhaps they’re critical of change, or openly hand out opinions that you’d sooner avoid. 

The status quo becomes the path of least resistance. 

I’ve never felt this more than as I was listening to Christina, today’s Seeking Inspirato feature, speak on the subject WHILE I was actively being made fun of. Yes, I was transcribing her interview as the bullying occurred. Was God trying to make a point? Received!

I still believe you can wear whatever you want, but now I’ve come to realize that it’s also true that your neighbors have free reign to talk about your choices ... and not just in the schoolyard—in the produce section of the grocery store or sitting on opposite ends of the neighborhood bar.

I’ve experienced outfit judgment before, but the sting is fleeting because I have had years of practicing Clothing Confidence within a supportive tribe. These people at the bar were not my tribe. 

Allowing these moments to roll off you is a chance to practice vulnerability and resilience—the cornerstones to Clothing Confidence. You continue showing up as your authentic self, no matter what the haters might say.

But, when you’re feeling vulnerable all the time, and feel that there’s no place to seek refuge, it can feel like you’ve been wandering through snow in an endless forest with no destination. There’s no relief. No end in sight. All you want is some shelter, a fire and some hot coco (with marshmallows).

That’s what I imagine it must feel like if your community AND your friends aren’t supportive of you, and you have no one to refuel you when you’re feeling vulnerable.

Who would want to test out a new clothing style if they knew they were going to get ridiculed for it?

A good friend group provides a solid foundation for building confidence, particularly Clothing Confidence.

A devoted tribe of friends doesn’t have you second-guessing your outfit choices; they embrace you without judgement.

A judgemental group of friends does damage to your Clothing Confidence like someone stomping on a little seedling emerging from the ground before it even gets a chance to grow a backbone.

So what to do? We all have a choice in who our tribe is. If your tribe is stomping your Clothing Confidence seedling, it’s time to pick new gardeners. 

Meet Christina

“Throughout High School, I was the girl that looked a little bit different, who sounded different ... and my family always knew ‘just let her do her thing’... High School wasn't a fun time, but what made it fun was finding my tribe.”

Once, Christina was asked by a friend’s son how to navigate High School. Her advice steered clear of the cliched “it'll get better” and “just be patient”. 

“Your tribe is coming and when you find them, don't let time get in the way.”

Christina’s tribe was a crucial part of her life and helped her get through the high school drudgery. When she found her people, she expressed herself more comfortably; they made life easier. “Don’t let time get in the way” is her reminder that finding good people is one of the biggest challenges in life, so hold on to the good ones when they cross your path.

Is Your Tribe Supporting, Or Hindering, You?

Think of your three closest friends …

• Do they radiate positivity? 

• Do you feel motivated when you speak with them? 

• Do you feel that you can be 100% yourself?

Some common red flags in friends you may want to avoid (if you consistently notice them):

• You feel tired and drained after being with them.

• You find yourself regularly apologizing, or comforting them, for small things.

• You don’t feel that you can say, wear, or do certain things without facing a lot of judgment or flack. 

• When you reflect on your time with this person, you feel more negative than you do positive.

• Bottom line: you’re not having fun, and you don’t feel yourself.

Positivity and loving vibes are infectious, so surround yourself with people who embody these traits.

Your Tribe And Your Clothing Confidence

If you look at your wardrobe and think “I’m just not creative,” ask yourself these two questions:

1. Do you have the freedom to express yourself around your friends?

2. Have you done the work to figure out who you are?

If the answer is “no” to either question above, of course, you haven’t found your personal style yet … how could you have? You’ve been creatively limited by the foundational elements to confidence. But worry not! Your tribe can be built and your personal self-discovery process can begin today.

Let’s get into the second part: “Have you done the work?”

Self-Confidence 101

“You can only meet people as deeply as they’ve met themselves.”

Christina and I both agree confidence can be learned, so why isn’t this a course taught in high school?! Home economics? Trig?? Lasagnas and Pythagorean theorems may not be in everyone’s story, but self-confidence is. 

Confidence allows you to:

• Show people how you want to be treated

• Express grace

• Occupy who you are

Christina thinks “Confidence 101” could teach students to answer an essential prompt:

“Say 5 good things that no one else would say about you.”

You can’t repeat what other people say (i.e. “they say I’m pretty”), and you can’t say something people see on the surface. It has to be something they don’t see … something only you know about yourself. 

Confidence is born out of the fabric of personal experience—out of what’s happened to us in the past, how we’ve carried ourselves into the present, and how we plan to manifest ourselves into the future.

The skills we’ve honed, the challenges we’ve overcome, the memories we carry, the people we’ve met, the goals we have for the next 6 to 12 months—reflect on these to articulate the five good things no one else can say about you. 

Because these are what make us unique. And if we can nail the expression of them through clothing, that’s what makes Clothing Confidence.

“So many people are so far away from what they like because they don’t know who they are”

This is in part why Clothing Confidence & Personal Style take time—you have to know your answers to your questions. Because there are no two same experiences, there are no two same styles, personalities, expressions. 

The Dressing Room Confessional

“A woman always bears her soul in the dressing room”

You get the most unfiltered version of people. Christina learns that people have been dying to express themselves, and the dressing room is their confessional.

“You wouldn't believe how many times I see women get in front of that mirror and tear themselves down.”

No matter their age (16 vs. 60) or size (4 vs. 12), they will pick themselves apart.

“And I’ve always wondered where does that come from? What’s happening at home? What’s happening internally to where this has transcended into public.”

Christina’s joy is finding an outfit for the woman who laments “oh, they’d think I’m too old to wear this.” 

“Who’s ‘They’?”

“Who’s ‘they’? Who’s ‘this person said’?”

In the same way people will refer to the entire science community as “they,” people refer to the voice in the back of their head, the negative one, as “they.” Sometimes they’ll give it a name—my husband, kids, friend, etc.

And sometimes, they’ve actually been told these statements before.

But that doesn’t make them true.

Confidence comes from knowing you are welcome in any space—you don’t need an invite other than knowing you can enter at any time. No need to RSVP. 

Is “they” buying your clothing? Is “they” wearing the clothing? Is “they” telling you how to spend your time? 

You own your life; you choose the people around you. So if you like it, buy it. Because noticing that you even liked it is more than half the battle.

“Take your power back. This is your vessel.”

You can rediscover yourself at any age. Even women in their 50s and 60s still don’t know their style, but it doesn’t mean they can’t grow into it.

Time doesn’t magically create style. You’re not going to wake up some day and have the personal style you’ve always dreamed of—you have to put the work in. If you don’t know your style, you’re operating outside of yourself, repeating what other people say about you. 

Don’t be afraid of a new dress or of trying out a hat. Be afraid that you may never discover who you actually are.