Imagine

You have a bank account at every boutique in town.

You have a close group of dependable friends.

You are financially secure for the first time in your life.

You decide to leave it all behind.

Why? Why would you do that? Why would someone who spent her life searching for acceptance, and financial security, walk the moment she found it? 

Meet Laura. She left her marriage at 35, and by 40, she became a college-educated, independent woman living a journey to discover who she was.

Laura’s life illustrates the consequence of getting to know the real you. It’s the prerequisite class you have to take before you graduate as a fulfilled person. 

Sweet Tea & Lemonade

Let’s start right at Laura’s “aha” moment.

Laura was married to a conservative Baptist Southerner and lived in the Mississippi Delta for six years. 

“When I got there [Mississippi] I was like ‘these are my people, I’ve been overdressed my entire life’ ... But then at one point, I was standing in line at the supermarket … and I had khakis on, a denim shirt, and loafers, and the women ahead of me and the women behind me were all dressed alike. And I was right in there, Stepford-wife-esque … [that’s when I realized] I can’t do this anymore. That was my moment when I realized ‘this isn’t me’  …it had crossed over to where it wasn’t me anymore.”

Aha! Like a chameleon, Laura had changed her outward appearance to blend in to her Delta surroundings, but the question became: Who was Laura without the influence of her neighbors? 

We’re all looking for acceptance in one way or another. It’s human nature to want to fit into a group and be welcomed by those around us. See: Facebook groups, high school cliques, subreddits, the off-campus office happy hours, concerts, chess clubs, and even zipcodes.

Here’s where acceptance becomes confusing: When you haven’t accepted yourself first.

You’ve got to ask: “Do I enjoy tennis, or am I just playing along because I want Sam to like me?”

Untangling your values from your best friend’s, your neighbors’, and your parents’ (Too many 45-year-olds still need to bring home an A+ report card to their folks!) is a monumental step in your personal growth.

After interviewing hundreds of women about confidence, I’ve learned that answering the question, “What do I like?” is just about the most difficult thing most people have to do in a day. 

That’s why it’s easier to have someone else bring us to the trough. News media will tell us what to think. TikTok and Instagram will tell us what to wear. Our aunts on Facebook will make us think twice before we post.

Accepting yourself and your ideas becomes even harder if the idea of being excommunicated from your friend group for your thoughts feels like a possibility.

Growing Comfortable In Your Skin

“As an alcoholic, I was always uncomfortable in my own skin, and so I was always on eggshells … You just want to be liked, so you fit in wherever you are.”

Laura is now 10 years sober, but in her youth, gaining acceptance from the people around her was kerosene for her addiction. 

When we operate from a place of external affirmation, we make decisions under the guise that it will lead to someone liking us more. What are we, mind readers!? How do we know what the other person is really thinking? Trick question! We don’t! 

Like a chameleon changes colors, you can change your clothing, personality, and body language around other people to get a different, more desired response. 

But then who are you at your core?

Laura wasn’t born a chameleon. She turned chameleon because she was forced to be resilient and adaptable. 

Laura’s younger life, where stepdads came in and out of the picture, where food stamps were often the route to a meal, and where she married a man who had strict cultural rules of engagement, created an adult woman who was thriving in life on the outside, but toiling on the inside.

When Laura woke up, looked down at herself, and found a chameleon where she used to be, she knew a metamorphosis to find her true self was in order.  

She invested in herself. She got an education. She blossomed in her career. She got sober.

Human Capital

“I feel good about myself when I enter a room. But it’s been a lot of work. It’s not something that just happens organically for me.”

My question, naturally, was what was “the work”? As you can imagine, Laura’s particular work is going to be different from your work. Why? Because generating self-confidence is a unique experience for each person. “Human capital,” or the betterment of oneself, can be a useful way to think about your particular work. How can you “invest” in your life to become a better person? 

For Laura, she boosted her Confidence through:

• Sobriety

• Taking a break from men (aMEN)

• Earning a college degree

• Living a financially self-sufficient life 

“I went to Old Navy and bought myself school clothes, at 35 … it was as important as my books … I was back to finding myself.”

Confidence comes from building self-esteem, and self-esteem comes from accomplishments. Never underestimate, though, how a new wardrobe can arm you to tackle those accomplishments! 

“There’s never been anybody below me. But now I truly feel there’s no one above me.”

EPILOGUE

Honorable Mention: Carmen, Laura’s Mom

I happened to be in Palm Springs during their famed “Modernism Week'' back in April of 2021.

Modernism week is “an annual celebration of midcentury modern design, architecture, art, fashion and culture.” — modernismweek.com. 

The event has been held since 2006 and in 2019, swelled the city by 150,000 visitors from across the globe.

The event, typically held in February, was postponed to April and I had, by chance, been notified of its existence and promptly purchased tickets to tour a few restored homes. 

This is where I met Laura’s mom, Carmen. I was at a modernist home tour that Carmen was volunteering at. Her responsibility was to make sure visitors respected the homes on view.  

She came up to me, and I was terrified that I had elbowed a Hockney or something, but instead she told me about her daughter, Laura.

Carmen had overheard my story of traveling across the US in search of inspiring women and felt her daughter would be a good person to interview. And of COURSE I wanted to meet her! It felt cosmic, particularly under these circumstances. 

More Clothing Confidence Themes from Laura

Re-reviewing Laura’s story made me realize how much material Laura provided me within our single interview together. I found the chameleon theme to be the most compelling as I think many of us, particularly in today’s ‘it’s ok to have an opinion so long as it’s the consensus’ culture, have a fear of really showing up as ourselves. We might morph more than we need to, to avoid being shunned or canceled. 

I particularly loved the fact that the fulcrum of Laura’s story was when she saw her clothes had become a uniform (khaki-chambray-loafer) rather than a varied form of self-expression.

But with that, I wanted to share some stories Laura has regarding Clothing Confidence and resilience because I think these are equally as powerful.

Inheriting Resourcefulness

Laura’s mom, Carmen, had Laura when she was just 17 years old. Even though Carmen was a young mother, she was hyper-resourceful. She figured out how to get Laura new clothing each year for school in addition to getting her into the best public schools available.

In addition to her maturity, Carmen held another remarkable trait. 

She cared deeply about presentation.

“She’s this amazing, powerful woman who had impeccable taste. There are baby pictures of me with the homemade dress, matching curtains, matching pillows and tablecloths … She always made sure I had brand new school clothes every year.”

Laura’s mom made sure she had a dress with matching gloves, shoes, and a hat each Easter. She emphasized grooming and appearance as a way of self-respect. 

“I was always dressed impeccably, even though it wasn’t always ‘the finest.’”

A common excuse I hear from women putting off achieving excellence is that they have “too much going on.” Have you noticed that we typically prioritize what we care about? It’s no accident that we find the time to be with our kids, or plan a girls’ weekend to escape the chaos at home for 48 hours. 

If you don't want to put effort into your clothing, know that if Carmen can do it, so can you. Carmen’s focus on presentation is inspiring, particularly given our culture’s dismissal of it. (See the rise in “athleisure” as fashion for bottomless brunch.)

We can prioritize comfort, appearance, AND our mental health because all three are intertwined.

The Willy Willy

“I always wanted to have what everybody else had, the latest fashion and styles and clothes … but my mom was really good at instilling that being different is good and that you don’t want to be like everyone else.”

Laura was mortified by the fact that her family shopped at the “Willy Willy” (“Goodwill” to the rest of us). She feared negative attention from her classmates. 

There was a particular pair of shoes, though, that got her a lot of positive attention.

“Oh, where did you get your shoes? I really like them!” commented a classmate to Laura.

Laura had happened to look at the label and saw that they were made in Italy. 

So her response?

“Oh, they’re from Italy.”

So, now the family joke is that everything is from Italy, but it’s really from WillyWilly.

Sometimes Clothing Confidence is about marketing and spinning your circumstances. Could she have said “they’re from Goodwill”? Sure, but Italy is also a true statement and removes the stigma Laura wanted to avoid. 

Favorite Clothing Memories 

Freshman year of High School, Laura was invited to the Senior Prom. 

“I’m getting chills. This is one of my most favorite memories of clothes. [My mom] had bought me a patent dress that was on layaway … the bodice was all silver sequins … with white tulle … with these silver snowflake embellishments. Living in the apartment with lunch tickets, and I’m wearing this gown made for the stage pageants.”

Laura ended up wearing this same dress to nine or ten proms without shame. She learned that quality is more important than quantity and internalized what her mom had taught her years before: individuality is enviable. 

“I feel like I’m ahead of my time on things, but not even ahead of my time, just different. I wouldn’t have had that if I didn’t have to be creative to fulfill my fashion love.”

In an age where event photos are shared with friends within an instant, the same strategy of wearing a high quality piece can be achieved if you don’t care about repeating your look. Or, leverage the power of accessories and layers to change up the look. This is also why companies like Rent the Runway have risen in popularity in recent years. They allow shoppers to have fresh looks (quantity) without forsaking the craftsmanship of the garment (quality). 

When it comes to everyday wardrobe, Laura has helpful tips on how to create a trend-forward closet that is within your budget and your space.

How to Stay on Trend & On Budget

“Every season I try to buy … 6 pieces to start the season.”

What’s your criteria? 

“I pick a color and then I buy pieces in that color palette and mix it in with my wardrobe for the season.”

Usually a statement, trendy color like camel, maroon, or orange. 

The pieces could be: A (camel, maroon, or orange) scarf, dress, sweater, tunic, and/or accessories…

“Sometimes [these pieces] make it to next year… I’m constantly cleaning out … and it keeps me from shopping too much … if you get rid of … you realize what you’re spending and not using.”

We forget how much stuff we have!

“I try not to exceed my closet.”

So Remember: 

1. A chameleon approach to clothing might make you feel welcome, but it won’t make you feel like you. 

2. Invest in your own human capital for high returns. 

3. Breathe new life into that dress by swapping jewelry, hair styles, and shoes upon rewear. Life is too short to only wear a prom dress once! 

4. Don’t want to be basic? Go to the Willy Willy for affordable Italian imports. 

5. Clean out your closet regularly. Know, and appreciate, what you have. 

Thanks, Laura!