Look in the mirror and see something worth putting effort into.

Today’s conversation discusses eating disorders and body dysmorphia. Contact the National Helpline for Eating Disorders for support, resources, and treatment options for yourself or a loved one. Helpline volunteers are trained to help you find the information and support you are looking for:  https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline

Eating and Clothing

How many pieces of clothing do you have in your closet, right now, that wouldn’t fit your current figure? And likely won’t in the next 6 months? What are they doing there?

For some, eating and clothing have a relationship that is inextricably connected, so 

much so that we’ll hold ourselves back from dressing in a way we love because we’re unhappy with the way their current figure looks in clothing.

I get it. Food and clothing do have a matter-of-fact relationship with one another. Your diet and portions will impact the clothing size you have. 

But focusing on your pant size won’t make you feel Clothing Confident.

In a world where food and clothing are caught in a cycle of self-hatred, we begin to see clothing as a “reward” (“I’ll wear this when I’ve lost a few pounds”) instead of what clothing actually is, a tool for daily self-expression. 

The “when” statements with clothing prevent us from living and enjoying our bodies today. 

Everything I do with Daily Inspirato revolves around the question of: Can we grow to accept our bodies today and dress them in a way we love (even if there are mountains (muffin tops) where we wish there were fields (abs) –– perceived or real)? 

… and if we do learn to love our current figures, regardless of our “figure wishes,” will we begin to redevelop how we see ourselves? Will healthy habits follow?

Now I realize, in saying all of this, that there are some women that cannot, for whatever reason, feel Clothing Confident at their current weight. 

I do not judge you. I get you, and I’ve been there. But my recommendation is to make feeling grateful for your figure, at whatever size, a daily practice. Try to dress in a way you love, or at least can accept, at your current size so that they don't get into the "when I am X size, I will feel good" game. This game produces no winners. It holds fulfillment just beyond your grasp. 

Meet Hailey, Savannah Georgia’s Seeking Inspirato feature who shows us it is possible to change your mindset about your figure. 

If your story resembles Hailey's, I want you to know that you can also learn to look in the mirror and love and embrace what you see.

The Hailey Today

The Hailey we see today is the same weight as the Hailey two years ago, but the biggest difference is that the Hailey today appreciates her body. 

She uses clothing as a tool of self-expression and looks forward to showing up in a crowded room looking fantastic.

She went from baggy, XL, dark clothing to embracing a curve-hugging dress.

What changed? What happened?

Her perception of clothing shifted. She went from seeing it as a shield to a confidence tool. 

With the help of two 40-year-old attorneys, a mock trial team, and some good-old-fashioned therapy, Hailey has become the woman we see today and made it through the other side to self acceptance.

Body Dysmorphia

“Middle school, high school, and a little bit of college, I had body dysmorphia. I thought everyone had it.”

Body Dysmorphia is a mental illness involving obsessive focus on a perceived flaw in appearance (source: MayoClinic.com).

Hailey grew up during the era of infomercials, which constantly showed viewers a spate of “customers” who miraculously went from overweight to thin in a matter of weeks with the help of [insert snake oil here].

As a 13-year-old, Hailey saw herself in these people. She developed body dysmorphia young and used clothing as a way to hide her figure and body from others, particularly herself. The clothing was baggy, dark, and patterned — anything to hide the figure she wanted to change. 

But the clothing wasn’t enough. Hailey wanted to be the “after” photo she saw in those infomercials. She engaged in disordered eating — fast before noon, abstain from carbs, sugars, and fat, dabble in diet pills, and other dysfunctional food relationships. 

But none of it created the body Hailey so desperately sought, and thus her self-loathing grew. Each day she woke up to the same body and the same numbers starting back at her on the scale.

And like Hailey, it turns out most women have, or will have, developed an unhealthy relationship with food at some point in their lives. 

“75 percent of women report disordered eating behaviors or symptoms consistent with eating disorders; so three out of four have an unhealthy relationship with food or their bodies” (source: sciencedaily.com).

“If I felt bad about myself, I’d just put baggy clothes on, and [think] ‘if I ever feel good about myself, maybe I’ll put different clothes on.’”

She found the people who dressed like she did in high school and gravitated towards them. As it turned out, most of them experienced similar body issues. (Hello, 75% of women.)

“I think sometimes the way I dressed was a little bit of a cry for help. I met people who dressed the exact same way as me, and I learned that we both hated our bodies. We’d bond over things like ‘I like your extra large t-shirt you very small woman,’ and she’d be like ‘oh I love your unbelievably baggy jeans you normal-sized woman.’”

Mock Trial Gamechanger

Hailey likely would have gone on dressing the way she had, if it weren’t for a little extracurricular activity that piqued her interest. 

Hailey was introduced to the mock trial team in high school. Mock trial allows high schoolers to try on the legal trade for size. Those who joined were signing up to attend and debate in competitions across the state, dress like a lawyer, and most importantly, try on the art of confidence for size.

No one wants a meek trial attorney.

Hailey wanted to join the team, but the first hurdle nearly killed her ambitions: dressing like a lawyer.

Her baggy clothing wouldn’t pass the test. In fact, there was a rehearsal where the two (mean) 40-year-old attorneys leading the mock trial team approved the outfits. These men are some of Hailey’s greatest mentors now, but at the time, they had no idea how to talk with young women about what to wear.

If she wanted to join the team, she had to dress the part.

“I was horrified because it meant I had to go to a department store with my mom, which was a nightmare.”

Hailey had a fraught relationship with her mom, not to mention the fact that this excursion meant she had to try on pieces that actually hugged her body and forced her to look in a mirror at her figure. No grabbing the largest size in black and running to the checkout counter this time.

The department store experience didn’t go well, which left Hailey strapped for options. Luckily, a friend’s mom had extra pencil skirts which she gave to Hailey. (Never underestimate the power of a well-loved hand-me-down.)

Hailey chose a plain, elastic pencil skirt. This was the first time she’d worn something so tight that it accentuated her body and her curves. 

“I looked in the mirror and realized I had an adult body. From then on out, a pencil skirt was my power outfit.”

She went from the girl with the hair in front of her face to the young lady showing up to mock trial events mouthing “I’m going to win.”

She went from XL clothing to

• Hair done

• Push up bra

• Silky tops

• Pencil skirts

• Spanx

• Pantyhose

• Heels

These accessories were mandatory to meet the dress code, but Hailey found herself in a situation where she wanted to put effort into the way she showed up. She enjoyed feeling Clothing Confident. 

I’ve long pointed out that one of the key components in learning to dress yourself confidently is to invest in the proper undergarments. Spanx, pantyhose, and the right bra were a foundational layer for Hailey's Clothing Confidence.

“It intimidated people. I played a really confident role with these clothes because I felt like I was playing attorney, and like I was playing dress up. Then it totally changed my confidence completely.”

Hailey grew into a person she didn’t know she was capable of becoming. It just goes to show that sometimes we need a situation to push us outside of our comfort zones. 

Goals and aspirations (and sometimes dress codes) not only elevate the way we show up, but also the way we view ourselves. Hailey had just that, in addition to two (unlikely) characters helping her out along the way. 

Try it Until You Thrive It

“I learned all of my confidence from two 40-year-old caucasian men who were civil attorneys. They’d say ‘you’re supposed to be confident, and you’re not.’ They’d tell me to pretend. They’d say ‘put your shoulders back, put your head up, and pretend that you like yourself.’ I still do that. They taught me everything I know about pretending exactly like you know what you’re doing and exactly who you are.”

With mock trial, Hailey had a team of people depending on her. She had to learn how to “turn” the confidence on, even if it was just for 10 minutes. Then she learned to be confident for 15, then for a whole class period … she worked up her “confidence tolerance.” “Confidence Tolerance” is my new favorite term that I’ve picked up from a feature on the 365+ tour. 

“‘Fake it ‘till you make it’ is what they’d always tell me.”

I often reference this quote because I do think it’s powerful. It says, keep trying until it feels natural, until you thrive. Build up your tolerance for feeling confident. 

That’s just what Hailey did. 

Trying Clothing Confidence on For Size

Between the mock trial competitions Hailey found a way to continue feeling Clothing Confident. Sometimes she’d just wear the pencil skirt for fun, competition aside. She started to branch out from the pencil skirt and look for similar styles that showed off her body instead of hiding it.

This demonstrates the beauty in feeling Clothing Confident and searching for ways to feel it again. Hailey felt the power of clothing, and she had an idea of what she liked — she had an “aha moment” where she realized her life didn’t have to be all baggy jeans and XL tees. 

Clothing Confidence is a collection of aha moments, a curation of taste, the desire to want to feel good, choosing to feel good in your body, and knowing you can feel good in your clothing and body.

An Unbiased Ear

Mock Trial was a defining moment in her ability to love herself, but so was meeting with a therapist. The pencil skirt showed her Clothing Confidence. The therapist showed her a path to loving her body and accepting it.

When she was overweight as a kid, people told her what to eat. When she wasn’t happy with her body in adulthood, people told her she was beautiful and didn’t have anything to worry about. All of this focus on her body from others made her only focus on how others saw her body — furthering the spiral.

“Instead of having someone tell me about my disorder or about my body, having someone listen was incredible. It’s rare that people give you the chance to talk about your own body and not tell you about it.”

The more she talked and opened up, the more she accepted her body.

“My weight hasn’t changed in the last two years, but my confidence totally has. I think I’ve actually gained weight. I don’t look at a scale or measure myself.”

And now this woman, who just a few years prior avoided mirrors or body attention, now enjoys being seen.

“I love being really well dressed in a room full of people. I like when people could tell that I put effort into myself because there was a point when I put in absolutely no effort in how I looked; I wouldn’t look in mirrors, and now when I look at myself in the mirror, I see something that’s worth putting effort into.”

That’s what I call Clothing Confidence.

And if you don’t have access to therapy, Hailey wants to remind you that you don’t have to go through it alone. 

Hailey's Advice on Seeking Clothing Confidence

Clothing is a temporary art form. It’s a low-pressure form of self-expression. 

“It’s one of the only art forms, you make an outfit and by the end of the day you take it off and no one else sees it. It’s not going to last forever,  if you don’t like the outfit at the end of the day, you throw it in a hamper and try something else tomorrow. It’s not painting a masterpiece where it takes months and planning, it’s an art form that everyone takes part in and everyone can see, and it doesn’t have to be taken too seriously.”

Don’t you love that low-pressure approach? It’s refreshing, and I couldn’t agree more.

“There’s this idea that you have to hide what society tells you to hide, and show what society tells you to show. That’s just not true. You can do whatever the fuck you want with clothes. The clothes aren’t going to argue, you can buy anything from any generation and from any store. Just choose what it’s going to be.”

And the choice is yours, darling. Get out there and find your power outfit. Maybe it’s a pencil skirt?

Much love to Hailey - thank you for sharing your story, girl!