Cut

Color

Cloth

Comfort

Regenerated Curiosity

“For children, shame is the threat of being unlovable. For children, from newborns to about 4th or 5th grade, being unlovable actually means dying.” - Brené Brown, Red Table Talk

The environment we grow up in has an unforgettable impact on our self-esteem. The way important adult figures speak to us, or about us provides an early reflection of who we are. 

Parents instinctually build their child’s confidence by speaking positive affirmations aloud: 

“Isn’t she smart? Beautiful? Kind? Driven? Tenacious?” 

It’s natural for youngsters to look to their parents for approval as they’re building confidence. There are little things we begin to learn, and dressing is one of them. It’s a child’s first step to autonomy. It’s an early outlet for self-expression.

The way our parents react, or don’t, to our clothing desires is also pivotal. Kids are highly perceptive to parental reaction. Each time they pull on a pair of teal leggings or choose a new headband-top combination, they are sensing if they can trust their own judgments. They are wondering if their own judgements will garner reproach or acceptance. 

“Let mommy dress you” is understood as, “You can’t do this on your own.” 

There are parents that allow kids to wear whatever the hell they want with little oversight. There are the parents that micromanage every hair pin. 

There are parents that make (likely unknowingly) shameful comments towards impressionable kids.

And there are parents that let us be flexible in our self expression. 

Oppressive homes bring oppressive mentalities.

But I believe it’s possible for us to regenerate our curiosity around self-expression. Just as we can define distinct life values from our parents, we can define the way we want to show up in the world — independent of what they taught us.

If you grew up in an environment where the little voice in the back of your head was silenced, know you’re not alone. 

Maybe you were shot down when you wanted to try, experiment, or ask “what if.” It can feel impossible to repair that curiosity, but it is possible to retrain the creative mind. 

Maybe you’ve always thought of yourself as “not creative” because your zany singing or dressing or dancing garnered parental censure. 

But you are creative, because we all are. It’s a part of the human condition and you can reignite the voice in your head and learn to trust it again.

Say Hello to Stephanie

Thankfully our feature today, Stephanie, had the little voice in her head, and she nurtured it just enough to keep it alive. She fed the voice one drop of oil at a time, keeping the flame lit, though she was living in a household that wanted her to conform.

This is a story for those of you that feel that you have a voice, but at one time or another had it shunned, dismissed, told your ideas about self-expression were wrong. This is for all of you who “have known the eyes already, known them all — / The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase.”

Sometimes our pain and hurt and OUTLOOK on life stems from way, way back.

The next time you say “no, I can’t wear that,” but you want to, ask yourself who is telling you not to wear it? Maybe it’s a combination of a few people, namely ...

A parent?

A teacher?

An uncle?

Tell them to shut the hell up because you’re a grown woman who is STRONG and will make her OWN decisions. 

Start owning them now, just as Stephanie did.

White Picket Fence Reality

Stephanie is from rural North Carolina and her upbringing is stereotypical of what you’d expect from someone growing up in a conservative community. 

There wasn’t much room for experimentation. 

“Where I grew up, everyone was the same. They strived for the white picket fence after high school. It was very conservative. There was a certain way to be. We didn’t have pageants, but we did have cotillion … the dresses and the heels and the pantyhose. [My mom] wanted me to dress a certain way and it was not working.”

Keeping the Voice Alive

Remember feeling helpless under your parent’s roof? At least being an adult means we can own and change our situation. Sure, we have rent, but we also have full control. 

There was a memorable moment in high school when Stephanie listened to her voice and followed through on a seemingly small act of resistance to her upbringing, but was marked as a huge positive moment for her self-expression.

She used her hard-earned money to buy a new pair of shoes. 

“I went and bought Doc Martens but I wouldn’t wear them around anyone. I would only wear them to work because where I worked was by a college, and I got to experience different people for the first time, ever.”

What an important testament to the fact that shoes aren’t just shoes! They could be someone’s move towards individuation. 

“I loved those Doc Martens, they were great.”

I am inspired by the fact that young Stephanie was able to keep that fire alight. She was able to know that her circumstances didn't define who she was and that soon enough, she’d be free to be the person she wanted to be.

But this isn’t true for everyone. Sometimes our souls can be smashed to the point where we don’t even know if we can trust our own intuition.

But know that you can relight your flame. Start listening to that voice in your head and begin trusting it again. 

College Bound, Inspiration All Around

It wasn’t until college when Stephanie felt that she could fully express herself. 

“I had a group of friends, but we were never really friends. I had to fake it until I made it. And then in college, I was like ‘nobody gives a shit about anything,’ so I got to actually find my place.”

Away from home, free to express, she tried everything out and went through all of the phases. 

“I went through all of the [clothing] phases in college. It was great”

Once she graduated, she settled into Asheville life and began working for a designer friend who gave her insight into the clothing manufacturing process.

Sustainability in Practice

“I feel like style should be versatile and useful.”

Stephanie’s views on sustainability aren’t an accident. Her personal experience of being tired of one-off outfits, coupled with working alongside a sustainably-minded designer convinced Stephanie that it was time to reconsider her clothing choices.

“I’d buy something for a specific event and never wear it again. So I started to think, ‘What can I wear every single day, multiple different ways, and get multiple different looks out of?’”

Remember one-off events? COVID may have squashed our need for a dress for this, or a pantsuit for that, but those times will come again.

“I came to the realization that sustainability isn’t about the clothes that you wear, but how you wear them, and how you feel about the way you present yourself when you’re in them.” 

It’s not the piece of clothing, it’s the feelings we associate with the clothing. Clothing is a tool to feel good about the way we show up in the world

This realization came about four years ago when Stephanie started working for that designer who made clothing sustainably. 

And if you’re like me, you’ve heard “sustainability” before but you may not entirely understand what it means. 

Sustainability means a lot of different things to different people, but in reality it boils down to the working conditions and pay for the individuals that sew, dye, and craft your clothing.

You can take it a step further by only buying non-animal products, or only responsibly-sourced animal products. (This production method only obtains hides from animals that have already been slaughtered for food. It’s like the Native American tribes that used the whole buffalo.) At the heart of all sustainable clothing, it’s about the lives behind the goods. Are workers making a living wage? Are the working conditions good? Who is producing the labor? 

Working in the Shop

While working for the designer, Stephanie realized that the pieces ended up selling for quite a bit of money. This brought to light all of the considerations designers have to price for when selling their goods, such as: 

• Sourcing the fabric

• Hand dying the fabric in your kitchen sink

• Designing the pieces

• Paying a seamstress to sew the clothing

• Marketing the pieces

• Paying rent or a mortgage for a storefront

• And then actually selling it

Working with this designer in her workshop was an eye-opening process for Stephanie because she realized the amount of time and labor it takes to prep a piece for sale –– there are many tasks that need to happen before an item can hit the shelves. 

“If I’m spending $20 on a top at Target, mmmmm we’ve got a problem here.”

Clothing shouldn’t be that cheap. Unless, of course, you’re buying it second-hand.

Sustainability doesn’t necessarily equate to “expensive.” Remember that paying a bit more means that the people involved are actually being treated and paid fairly.

There are many directories to look if a brand is sustainably made. Here’s one.

Hoarding Isn’t an Option

Coupled with a new respect for sustainability, the passing of Stephanie’s boyfriend’s dad was also instructive. The process of dealing with all of his goods showed Stephanie:

“I don’t want this many clothes, or things. There’s no possible way I can live with this much stuff anymore. Seeing the stress of everyone going through it made me realize that I didn’t want it anymore. I don’t want to leave all of this stuff behind.”

Thus, commenced the mass exodus of things.

“I literally took 2 days off of work and completely gutted my apartment.“

And she’s kept the tradition alive ...

“I’ve only bought a pair of leggings and a sports bra this year.”  

Since our conversion, Stephanie has also purchased a blazer, a pair of sneakers and a swimsuit. That’s 5 things for the majority of 2020. I’m impressed!

“I buy pieces that I think can work with other pieces. I really consider what I’m buying and how it’s going to work with my closet. I realized I didn’t want to keep buying things to only wear them once. Now, when I buy something, I consider what to donate or remove from my wardrobe in an effort to keep things trim.”

Living with less is an empowering feeling. You know what you have; you can see what you have, and you can actually use what you have. 

The last part is key. Enjoying our things is a key ingredient to a sustainable lifestyle because it means that we’re more thoughtful when we go to pick up an item or buy something new.

If you want to buy sustainably but don’t have the budget for it, thrift! Purchasing clothing second-hand is a great way to give pieces an additional life before they hit the landfill. 

The “EPA estimated that the generation of textiles in 2017 was 16.9 million tons. This figure represents 6.3 percent of total MSW [material-specific data] generation that year.” - source, epa.gov

In short, our textile production is a major contributor to the products we generate each year. Limiting textile production is a key step towards controlling a society that is creating more things than we have room for. 

A Comment on Clothing Confidence in 2020

“When the world is such shit, we shouldn’t be talking about anything that doesn’t matter. We have an election and BLM to worry about. Clothing is meaningless.”

Stephanie is using her platform to mute down the clothing-talk and amp up the issues she (and the rest of the U.S.) are talking about: voting and race.

“I just feel like right now, people like us need to be quiet and let other people talk ... we don’t need to be a part of the conversation unless we’re there to support.” 

I completely understand this perspective. Everything else becomes trivial with something so important, right? 

Yes, it can, but remember, you can’t consume the problems of the world and solve them all. I live on a low-information intake diet because if I take in too much, my nervous system feels overloaded and my ability to feel joy diminishes. 

I’m not saying this is necessarily the right way to live for you or for Stephanie, but I am saying that it’s the way I’ve found to remain stable and sane in 2020. 

So where’s the middle ground? It’s with the things I can control. I can vote. I can support causes and people I believe in with my dollars. 

I can still feel joy and not feel guilty for feeling joy. 

Don’t let 2020 take joy away from you. The world can be a wrecking ball, but honey, you have to feel good inside your temple or else everything will crumble. Never forget your mental health.

I find that there is a need for a middle ground. We need joy in our lives, or else why are we living? We need the freedom to breathe, to express, or else what are we doing? 

I’ve seen some beautiful self-expression on these issues, through clothing which I think is a really cool balance between both worlds.

Take these merch options for example. Not only are you wearing something you believe in, but you have the opportunity to showcase it as a walking billboard while supporting small business:

• YouGoodSisYoga

• GirlTrek

• Black Owned Etsy Shops

Clothing continues to be a conversation starter for me. 

I think if it’s a place where you can find joy and where you can feel good about yourself, please engage. 

If you know it’s been too many days without putting on makeup and pants with a button, then listen to that voice. Take care of yourself by putting care into your appearance.

And while you’re at it, maybe get a piece of clothing from a small business in your local community. They need all the support they can get right now.